Frequent, Manipulative Communication.
There were recordings on my youngest son’s phone. Recordings of our conversations. I was tipped off by a message from James (dad) to him saying, “Make sure you tape record all your conversations with her.”
I also found James “baiting” my son for responses. James would say things like, “On the recording did you get some of the abuse that we have been talking about? The yelling and the threatening?”
My son’s response is, “I think so.”
James says, “And she said I left the family and divorced her, is that correct? And you have that recorded? If it gets bad, call me, I am concerned about her mental state.” “She is Nutttttyyyyyy.”
James goes on to say, “Just keep recording, if she gets aggressive or physical, text me, we may have to call the police.”
Right here I would like to mention that I have NEVER hit my children. I have never been aggressive with them in any way. There are 10 messages a day from his dad asking him if he is ok. It is like he is creating anxieties in my son. Making him worry about things that have never crossed his mind.
Sharing an Adult’s Prescription Anxiety Medication.
Later in this separation process, I moved into an apartment. I found a pill bottle of anxiety medicine that was prescribed to James. My youngest son told me that his dad gave it to him in case he was anxious about being in an apartment or being scared to be away from his home.
Again, creating anxieties that didn’t exist not to mention giving a child medicine that wasn’t prescribed to him! I have never threatened my children in any way, shape or form but James used this text as an example of how I threatened my youngest son; I sent this to him on my way to pick him up one afternoon during the separation.
“I want you to know that I feel like you have been treating me with rudeness and total disrespect. That is ending today. I love you and will come earlier to pick you up today. I love you so much.”
That doesn’t sound like threatening or abuse to me. It sounds like a parent trying to get control over an unruly child. Instead of co-parenting with me and talking with Sam about his rude behavior and disrespect, James once again turns it on me and makes me out to be the bad guy.
More texts from James to my youngest.
James says, “It is bad enough that she did this to our family but now she is lying and making herself a victim. It is the ultimate sin.”
My son responded, “Dad are you accusing me of taking her side again”?
At one point James even tells my son to delete his text messages. He says, “Delete this please I don’t feel right about you being dragged into all this but she keeps doing it.”
Are you kidding me??? Do I keep dragging him into this? This is an example of a text that I had sent my son during this time when he was bombarding me with questions, I said, “Just let us handle this.”
Again, here I am taking the high road and not discussing the separation with my children. James is using these boys as confidants.
Almost two years after the divorce, the alienation continues.
My youngest son (Sam) had just finished high school baseball and neither Sam nor his dad had involved me in any decisions regarding a summer team. James was hiding it from me and I was trying to get information on where he is playing.
Once I found out the team and schedule I sent this email to James: “In regards to our son’s baseball schedule this summer, I think the logical thing to do is whoever’s weekend it is, is in charge of getting him to the out-of-town tournaments.” I then go to list the tournament schedule and write which parent is in charge of that weekend.
Here is the response James sends me: “First the answer is no under any of these circumstances.”
James goes on to say, “Please understand these terms for me agreeing to pay for our son’s baseball and allowing him to play. If you do not adhere I will not agree to pay. You must stay away from the games and practices. You do not take him on these trips like he is five years old. He travels with the team or I take him. He does not want you around and will not play if you are there. Forget about what you want. You need to put in writing on this site that you agree to stay away from all games and practices. This means that you agree as a condition of my approval that you will not attend his practices, games or travel with him under any circumstances. If you show up he quits. If you can stay away I agree and if not, I don’t.”
James adds, “In regards to your right to attend Sam’s baseball games, common sense and decency both of which you are in short supply of, if your son tells you not to go and he will quit if you go, tells you that you are an embarrassment to him if you go, then you would, of course, be an adult and not go. That is what normal parents would do. This is only a baseball game, not the Olympics.” ← THIS is intentional Parental Alienation.
It was crushing the first time I read it, it still hurts as I type this. But the more I read these messages the more I understand why my boys pulled away. Why they had to choose. They had to align themselves with him to protect themselves. It is conditional love. It makes sense to me now why my boys are treating me so badly and cutting me out of their lives. They are being told to.
These are all examples of Parental Alienation. At the time this was happening, I didn’t even know what Parent Alienation was. I just knew that something very wrong was going on. My kids were being turned against me. Lies and exaggerations were becoming truths in their eyes. Memories were being stripped from their minds.
I am the mother of three boys and I wore that title — mom — like a badge of honor. I didn’t have a career or even really a marriage to speak of. I was a mother. It was my identity. It is who I was. I love or should I say loved every bit of being a mother. I loved my pregnancy and the sleepless nights of a newborn. Every stage my boys went through brought new challenges and lasting memories. I could feel that rapidly slipping away.
As mentioned in my first post, The Definition of Parental Alienation, this could have an enormous negative impact on them emotionally into their adulthood. I am getting very concerned!
