Again I have to talk about the “New Normal”.  What my life used to be, and what it is now.  I have to keep re-adjusting and lowering my expectations. The lack of a role I play in my boy’s lives saddens me.  

I want to stop this cancer that grows everyday inside this family and eats away at their memories.  It eats away at what is left of my relationship with the boys.  The bond that a mother shares with her children.  Mine is slipping away.  I thought if Johnny just saw my face, if he knew that I still think about him and miss him so desperately he would have come out and see me.  I never in a million years thought James would take this to the next level.  It was already bad enough. 

Going to jail was the night I hit rock bottom.  After everything, I had been through and my kids had been through and then to have Sam see me handcuffed and taken away in a police car definitely was the lowest point of my life.  I didn’t think it could get any worse. I have never been in jail.  It isn’t something I would recommend!  I did some real soul-searching that night.  What I have been doing for the past three years isn’t working.  How are things getting worse, not better?  How can I stop this madness? I still don’t have any answers. That night I crumbled. I cried buckets.  I didn’t even think I had any tears left but they flowed like a river.  I didn’t even care who was watching me.  I have gone from sadness to mourning.  I am now mourning the loss of a family.  The family as I know it is gone.  Erased.  I am fighting an uphill battle.  I am not giving up but this is a definite set back!  As I write this I see a theme through all of it.  At every turn, I am hopeful, I think, “This is it, this is when things start getting better,” but at every turn, things get worse.  

Open Eyes

I think that my eyes are finally opened to what I am dealing with. The crazy thing is that I was such a good mom.  I was that “hands-on” mom. The one that was so involved.  How have I been so far removed from them now?

I have to change my mindset now.  I have to accept reality.  I have to come to grips with all this.  It is not ending, it is not going away.  I guess the thing that hurts the most is that no one stands up for me. None of the kids say, “Dad, that’s not how I remember it,” or “Dad, that’s a lie, mom isn’t really like that.”  

In a way, maybe I facilitated this type of behavior in the boys.  I think back to all of their baseball tournaments.  Let’s say Johnny didn’t have a good day at the plate.  In the car on the way home, we would make up a story about a big home run or a big play that he made to keep James happy.  (If he found out that one of them hit badly he would require they hit in the driveway for hours – after already playing up to 6 hours or more of games – until blisters formed, to work out the problem with their swing.)  I didn’t do them any favors there.  I taught them to do or say whatever was necessary to keep the peace in the house. I thought I was protecting them. I don’t know if that was it or not. I lay awake at night and try to make sense of all of this – where I went wrong, how it got to this level.

Of course, within days of getting home from jail, I was getting more emails from James.  He was almost gloating about it.  His first email to me was, “I was able to find your rap sheet, you may be proud of this but it is disgraceful for your boys and only adds to their shame.”  

I am under a no-contact order now.  I can’t contact James or go to his house.  He is the “victim” which makes no sense to me.  He then tries to insinuate that Sam is part of the no-contact order and tells me to stop calling and contacting Sam. 

I think about the future and it doesn’t look good.  If Johnny knocked at my door tonight I would open my arms and hold him tight. I would tell him how I have missed him and how much I love him.  I pray for that every night before bed.  When I was married I would pray for the boys.  I could never bring myself to pray for James. I don’t know why I just couldn’t.  But now I pray for James.  I pray for his family and I pray for him.  I pray that he comes to his senses and stops this madness.  I lean on my four grandparents who are all deceased now.  They were such good role-models for me.  They showered their children and grandchildren with love and affection.  I pray to them and ask for help.  Again, I have to thank my sister and my parents.  Without them, I would still be frozen, dazed and confused as to what is going on and how to proceed.

This is my story.  I am reaching out to you all now.  Tell me your story.  

Let’s work together to stop this from happening to another person, another innocent child.  I don’t have any answers and I certainly haven’t always handled things in the right way but my intentions and my heart have always been in the right place.  

Getting my kids back into my life is my first goal, as I am sure if you are reading this it is yours as well. 

We then need to work together to change the laws:

• Family Law needs to have a category for Parent Alienation.  
• Psychological screening for the alienators.  
• A way for therapists and GAL’s to recognize this and label it before too much damage is done.  

If this is your life or you know someone who is going through something similar please pass this on to them.  Children have a right to love both their parents.

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