My biggest fear has come true.  After 4 years of listening to Sam threaten to block me and cut all ties with me once he turned 18 has come true.  A few days before his 18th birthday it all went silent.  

Since I can’t go to his dad’s house in fear of having the police called on me I rely on trying to catch him at the school or at the gym.  I put notes on his car.  I ask him to call me and tell him how much I miss him.  

Recently I was told by a friend that he saw Sam at the gym.  My friend asked Sam if he had seen me recently.  Sam said, “no, I had a block party and blocked her”.  My friend said he said it void of emotion.  

I wonder now, does he even remember how it used to be?  

Does he remember the mother that rocked him to sleep or that home schooled him when he had too much anxiety to go? The mother wiped away his every tear and supported every step he took? The mother that was at every sporting event cheering him on with a deep passion and love for him and his brothers?

Over this past year I have watched Sam become more and more emboldened. Being told he was an adult and could make adult decisions since he was 14 has now become a reality.  

He is now on his 3rd brand new car.  He gets one every year.  He comes and goes as he pleases and just like his brother, he is doing the bare minimum in school. Just going 4 hours a day. 

I have continued to reach out.  I have continued to try to stay in his life.  There have been many obstacles standing in my way.  

Running from me

Recently I went to his gym and saw his new car out front.  I went in, he saw me and started running.  He ran right out the door and down the street.  I got in my car calling out to him, pleading with him to stop and talk to me.  He just kept running.  This went on for 30 minutes.  I decided to go back to his car and wait for him.  When I got back there was already a police officer in a squad car circling around the parking lot.  I just drove away. 

I have done so much soul-searching over the past year. I have learned so much about controlling, narcissistic personalities. They are manipulators. They are incapable of loving someone and allowing them to have an opinion or hobbies or a career.  I always felt like things in my marriage were not right, but I couldn’t put my finger on it. I couldn’t find a solution to all the issues we were having. 

The most common target for narcissists are compassionate, and empathetic people.  That describes me and my children as well. One thing I know is that hatred isn’t an emotion that comes naturally for a child.  It is a learned behavior.

I remember the good times, every day. 

While I have finally started an adult life and am on the path to a successful career, I can’t move on.  I still feel frozen.  I still cry and ache for my boys and the loss.  I might post a picture on social media now, I might go out and laugh and enjoy new friendships, but the pain is always there.  

Not a minute of the day goes by when I am not thinking about my kids and how they are doing.  A mother never stops worrying. I still get that pang in my stomach at 2:50 p.m. every day, at the time school ends. I still feel like I need to be somewhere. I worry that Sam will get in a car accident. I worry that Sam will make poor choices as he has no mother figure in his life now.

I continue to call and text him.  He never responds.  I assume I am still blocked.  I drive by the school and leave notes on his car.  I include pictures.  I tell him how much I love him and how much I miss him.  I remind him of his grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins and how they would all welcome him back with open arms.

All I can do is hope and pray these boys remember all the good times and the unconditional love I gave them and come back to me. 

I read once that there is no way to fight back when dealing with a narcissist. The only way to defeat him is to be successful. That is what I have tried to do. Be successful in my personal life and my business.  

I am not sure what will come of this blog once I make it public. I am not as naive as I used to be. I can already hear James telling the boys, “This is just another one of her lies,” or “This is just for her self-promotion.”  

Unfortunately, as I pull away from my ex-husband’s control he continues to use that against me by telling my boys that I am also pulling away from them.

What I want is for my boys to read this. I want them to know that I fought for them.  

I did not abandon them. I am still here! I am still here! I want them to remember the mother I was, the mother I still want to be to them. My hope is that this blog will trigger a good memory, a happy thought of me and their childhood. I hope that they can find the strength to stand up for themselves like I finally did.  

It took me 21 years but I now know how mentally weak I was and how mentally ill he was (and is). I was no match for James. Looking back at my 22 year old self, I was no match for him.